


It should've been us.

by SnotPipe



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crying, Dean Winchester Realizes Feelings For Castiel, Feelings Realization, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Pining, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:21:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28449108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnotPipe/pseuds/SnotPipe
Summary: Dean realizes too late that he could've had Castiel if he had only paid closer attention
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	It should've been us.

Dean Winchester was never a kind man. Not that he was a bad person, he just wasn't a good one either. Here he was just... sitting on the ground, sobbing. God, how long had he been sitting here? How many times did Sam call? how was he going to move on? Did he love Cas back? Castiel was right, Dean wasn't some killing machine, but he was broken, destroyed, shattered. His best friend, maybe more, just got taken away from him. He finally stood up and unlocked his phone, he called sam. 

"Dean! where are you? why didn't you answer me? I thought you were dead!" Sam was frantic when he picked up.

"I'm... at the bunker," Dean's voice was hoarse from the loud crying, "It's a long story, Sammy. I-" his voice cracked, he might start crying again. "we'll talk about this later."

"Okay, well... We can come to the bunker, Dean."

"No. I can't be here. I have to leave. Everything hurts to look at." Dean hangs up. Sam texts him his location and Dean is quick to leave the bunker. But the moment he gets in the impala he starts crying again. He looked over at the passenger seat and thought Cas was next to him and when he wasn't? Dean felt shattered and alone. As Dean drives he thinks about everything he could've had. 

He could've had Castiel. All of Castiel.

The angel's soft hands when they grab him so he could be healed, Dean ached for it, He ached for the lasting touch of the being he knew he loved. Deep down Dean knows he doesn't deserve it. He knows he was never the best to Castiel and now that he's gone he wishes to take that all back. That Angel changed his life for the better, Now dean knows he was loved by the person he craved, but he can't have him. not anymore.

Dean thinks back to the way Castiel smiled at him, for an angel his teeth weren't perfect, but they were perfect to Dean. He thinks about how Castiel would touch his left shoulder, never his right. He thinks about how Castiel would squint and tilt his head when he didn't understand something, Or how Castiel would laugh at things that weren't funny. He thinks about the little things, Castiels soft lips curling into a smile, His hands clenching into a fist when he's stressed, The quiet nights where he would walk around the bunker and Dean would listen to the pattern of his steps. The times when Castiel looked at him differently. 

Dean wonders what Castiels last thoughts were, What was he thinking when he looked at me one last time? Why did he think he couldn't have me? Dean was going crazy at this point, he just wanted to forget about sam and jack and just end it all so maybe in his hell they would Cas to torture him, just so he could see Castiel one more time.

When Dean finally pulled up to where Sam and Jack were, He got out of his car. And for a split second, he could see Castiel in jack, Dean felt a punch in his gut when he thought about how to tell them that Castiel was gone.

"Where's Cas?" Sam looked at Dean, seeming to already know the answer.

Dean opened his mouth to speak but just fell silent. He looked at Sam, "He's gone, Sammy. And it's all my fault. I couldn't do anything, he's gone and I-" he went quiet again, hot tears streaming down his face. He could feel Jack's heartbroken stare, but dean started talking again, gaining his composure. "Look, We all lost someone, Okay? Sam Lost Elieen and I... I lost Cas."

Sams look softens, "Yeah. Yeah, I guess we both lost someone. Love of my life and your best friend." Now, Sam didn't try to come off as rude, he was just very tired.

Dean didn't seem to hear sam, "I just wish I could... I could hold him and tell him I loved him. Tell him that I loved him too and that he could have me. Hell, I wish I died instead." he looks down at the ground, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, How do I move on?" 

Sam goes over and pulls Dean into a hug, "You be the man he loved, be the man he wanted you to be."

Dean loosely hugs back choking out a sob, "I just miss him so much, Sammy."

Dean Winchester has always been a kind man, he wasn't a bad person. He was a good one. Still shattered, he knows that Castiel would want him to know this. He's still beautiful. Hes still Dean Winchester.


End file.
